"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but in staying down."

- Mary Pickford

Recently a man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Seems his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket, and she got so mad at him she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

Now I don't know what's worse:

1) having your girlfriend find out you're married;

2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis;

3) or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
- WC Fields